I was sitting in the Café du Monde in the French Quarter, my beignet yet untouched. It was one o’clock in the morning and I was elbow to elbow with other patrons, the tables being less than one foot apart. Much hobnobbing, and I the only one with a space to myself, reading the financials page, no less. I’d just hoisted my cafe au lait towards my snout when the table rattled and everything upon it rose into the air and came down with a clatter. This included my own elbow. The one supporting my cafe au lait, no less.
I sighed and flicked out my monocle, letting it dangle from its chain. I rubbed my eyes in frustration. Not a moment’s peace. Not one.
“How on earth did you find me here?” I said.
“You can’t hide from me, buddy boy.”
“Do you see what you’ve done?” I said. “I haven’t even taken a sip. And here it is all over the table.”
A fat hand swept the puddles over the edge onto the concrete floor. The hand was attached to an arm. Which was attached to a forehead:
Dick lowered his hulking frame into the chair opposite me. He flicked his wrist and a folded piece of paper skittered across the table and into my lap.
I sighed.
Reluctantly, I unfolded the paper. It had the familiar blue lines (wide-rule) and the familiar jagged edge (torn from a spiral notebook) that I’d come to associate with the worst poetry ever written by anyone.
Mr. Hercules only smiled and leaned back shirtlessly. He hooked his hands behind his head and winked. His underpits were a sweat-soaked jungle.
I replaced my monocle in the crook of my eye, and this is what I read:
love
hates
to be
left alone
in a room without you
the more i punch these keys the less i understand
these words that are meant to cleanse,
only confuse
I scratched my beard. I leaned back in my chair and drummed my fingers on the table. I looked up at Mr. Hercules and saw him grinning like a school girl who’d just scored her first goal in soccer.
I re-read his poem, then squinted through my lense once more.
“Not bad, sir,” I said.
His eyes went wide and he flashed me a thumbs up. He seemed to be waiting for his participation trophy.
“Not bad at all,” I said again.
His eyes got wider, which I didn’t think was possible, and he rubbed his thumb and forefingers together.
“Oh heavens no, I don’t have any,” I said. “I shouldn’t even be dining out.”
“Not from you, fancy pants. From publishment.”
“Publishment?” I said.
“You know what I mean,” he said. “Payers.”
“You mean readers?”
“Moulah, Mr. Walt. I need me some.” He reached across the table and grabbed my beignet. He stuffed the whole thing into his mouth at once, then said, “Get this one published, Waltypants.” Then he fist-bumped his own forehead by way of saying goodbye.
He stopped at every table he passed to “press the flesh.” And by that I mean he fist-bumped his own forehead, shook hands, and made small talk with the locals and tourists alike. They seemed to take to him. And no one seemed bothered by his lack of a shirt.
Well, at least definitely got some publishment. Now I am going to adopt that word.
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It’s a word if we make it one, isn’t it? I’m not saying it should be, you know! 🙂
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Oh, but it should! Let’s get our work to publishment, fellas.
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It seems like we can finally begin to expect great things from Dick Hercules!
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Perhaps. Could be a fluke, though. I’d like to see him string to together a few more hits before I start to trust him.
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Dick just hurtles along being this sort of rolling, charming ball of muscle people find irresistable – like a very friendly pit bull terrier. Who knew people were so easily won over by the ability to lift heavy things?
You need a disguise when you go out for coffee to stop him from finding you so easily – may I suggest dropping the monocle and employing a wig, and a false moustache and glasses combo a la Groucho Marx?
At least his poetry’s improving.
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That’s a good idea, the disguise thing. I might try that. Dick can be charming, can’t he? I wish I had some of that spark. It would be nice if he were to put on a shirt now and again, though.
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Yes, I can see that the sight of a large, muscled male nipple would be enough to distract one from the financials. Perhaps you could broker a deal, whereby you have a collection of Dick’s poetry published (self- pub, of course) if he promises to stop bumping his own, brain damaged head and keeps a shirt firmly strapped to his over-developed back. It’s a win-win
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Walt, good morning, great story, redolent of some the armpits i have endured over my donuts over the years, really felt the damp in this one- thanks.
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Top o’ the mornin’ to you too, Worzel. We should get together sometime and trade armpit stories.
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I’ve read some of your writing, and They’ve been fantastic. If you dont mind checking my blog out and giving me some feedback, that would be great!
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Thank you, I will.
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Reblogged this on DRUNKINSTEIN.
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“I was sitting in the Café du Monde in the French Quarter,” was all I needed to get sucked into the story – just in the first eleven words. Reading further, “Hands stuck to foreheads” and “publisher pay-offs” were this reader’s ultimate pay-offs.
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Thanks, Mike. Have you been to that place? I was there once late at night and it really was elbow to elbow. Those tables are so close together and tiny.
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Well, I do hope you can get it published for him. But make sure to keep 70% of the proceeds.
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Good advice. Maybe I can price him out of the market. Are you back from the guitar thingy, P.VJ?
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*laughs* Yes, you must at least try. I am! The convention was rather great. Now to get TPL back online.
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Reblogged this on katemcclelland01.
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I think I want to hear more poetry from this Mr. Hercules!
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I’m sure he will be delighted to hear this. I will pass it along.
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