In which I hold a press conference about the new Star Wars.

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I‘ve been wanting to hold a press conference for some time, I just haven’t had a reason. But now I do. I’ve received a batch of questions about the new Star Wars from a friend who wishes to remain Anonymous but once called himself Publius. Here they are: 

Do you forgive the film-makers for remaking A New Hope?

I don’t like the choice, but they did a good job with it. Those pictures on the interwebs of Jar Jar Abrams and Harrison Jones and friends sitting around in pre-production with notes in their hands, looking like they were coming up with good ideas… Not to say they didn’t, but I was, well, I was expecting something more original, I guess. But yes, I forgive them. Let us not go so far as to call it a re-boot, though. Some have, you know. To borrow a phrase from another popular trilogy, one does not simply reboot Star Wars. And there’s lots of great new twists in this one.

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Jar Jar Abrams, Indiana Ford, Princess Fisher, et. al.

Follow up question: Does wiping away the stain of the ridiculous prequels make the choice to re-make okay?

They did do that, didn’t they?  Wipe away the stain? That does go a long way. I’m thankful for that.

Walt, is Rey the daughter of Han & Leia or Luke?

Are those my only choices? Then I say Luke. Although it could be the other. I don’t see evidence to support either, really. But it will be one of the two, won’t it? It could be a third, though. There is always another. Is there anyone in charge of this new series? Someone else is writing and directing 2, you know. I mean 8. These numbers confuse me. I think of 4 as 1.

Will or will not –

– I had a metal lunch box as a kid – sorry to interrupt – but I had a metal lunch box that I should never have thrown away. Most of us didn’t know what to do with our Star Wars stuff between ’85 and ’95, when it lost its cool for a while. We got rid of some things, put others in the closet/attic/basement. We had to make choices, too. We were growing up. And our choices made sense at the time. What was the question?

Will or will not Lena Dunham as a nascent representation of his mother rescue Kylo Ren from the dark side?

I’m sorry to say I don’t understand that question.

Adam Driver plays Lena Dunham’s boyfriend on the HBO show Girls. You used to know these things. Would you say the original 3 will never be equaled?

The original three movies or the original three characters? Or the original three actors playing the original three characters? The first two movies will never be equalled. Episodes 4 & 5, that is. But this new one is better than Jedi. No muppets, for one thing. As for characters, Han and Luke won’t be topped, but Rey and KRen are so very good. As for actors, we might be talking a new Star Wars best with young Miss Daisy driving things.

Thus concludes my answers to the questions of Publius. But I’m here at the podium for a while longer. I’ll answer any questions posted to the comments below. I’m in the mood to talk Star Wars, if you are.

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30 thoughts on “In which I hold a press conference about the new Star Wars.

  1. I now think it is too obvious if they are going to make her Luke’s daughter, but IDK.

    I like the fact that we can pick up with the look and feel of the original series, overly CGI prequels aside in their own category. I bet if someone threw more money at George Lucas THEN he would get why the movies had to be done this way going forward to be successful.

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    • I am very happy that it all looks as REAL as it did in the original movies. No tell-tale halos around people standing in front of green screens. Actors actually acting with other actors, not cut and pasted in and out of scenes and reciting stale dialogue.

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  2. ***MASSIVE SPOILER ALERT – THOSE FEW HUMANS ON THE PLANET WHO HAVE NOT SEEN SAID STAR WARS MOVIE****

    Mr Walker! Mr Walker! Lynn Love, ‘Word Shamble’ and ‘Spaghetti Knitters Monthly’ – UK.

    Can you tell me what do you think of the film makers’ decision to kill Han Solo? Can it be read as a metaphor for killing George Lucas’s control of the Star Wars franchise, the hand over to the next generation?

    If I can ask another question?

    We here in the United Kingdom know John Boyega who plays Finn, from his role in the British indie movie ‘Attack the Block’ where he played a gang member defending council flats from an alien invasion. For the readers at home, could you give me your opinion of Mr Boyega’s American accent? Better or worse than Bob Hoskins in ‘Who Framed Roger Rabbit’?

    And finally, if I may.

    Will you confirm or deny your relationship with Angelina Jolie? We’ve all seen the photographs, Mr Walker – don’t you think it’s time you came clean?

    Liked by 1 person

    • Hello Ms Love! Would you believe I avoided almost all news about the movie up until just a few hours before I saw it, and that the killing of Han Solo spoiler was the only plot point I DID know going in? That’s a metaphor for my shitty luck. But more than anything, I suspect it was Indiana Ford’s condition for playing the character. He’s been on record for years as having zero interest in returning to the role, whereas he’s always been quick to put on the fedora again.

      Mr. Boyega’s accent was spot on, you’ll be pleased to know. I didn’t even know he wasn’t one of us until you told me. In general, I think most of your actors do a better job with our accent than ours do with yours. Gwyneth Paltrow being the exception.

      I am afraid I can neither confirm nor deny the rumors. I like those rumors and wish them to continue! 😉

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      • Fortunately, I’d missed all rumours – though we speculated amongst ourselves over the non-appearance of Luke in the trailers. Not so mysterious a reason as we suspected in the end. Perhaps it was the lack of Lucas dialogue that finally persuaded Harrison Ford to pilot the Millenium Falcon again? Notoriously tricky, as he claimed it to be to perform. Now he can pocket his pay and concentrate on crashing light aircraft. 🙂
        Glad to hear you’re impressed with young Mr Boyega – the accent sounded good to me, but what do I know? And Miss Paltrow is allowed to don her English accent whenever she pleases – it may not be faultless, but it doesn’t jar on the ear as some attempts do. Though I always forgave Dick Van Dyke’s execrable stab at Cockney in Mary Poppins as he was such a great mover!
        And as for the rumours – I shall endeavour to spread them as widely and in as lurid a fashion as possible, though you’ll have to work on a suitable branding for yourselves as a celebrity couple. So far I’ve come up with Wangelini, which is quite honestly, woeful.

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      • I’m sorry to hear Ms. Paltrow’s attempts are not faultless. To my ears they are, but obviously I’m not the best judge. In fact, the first film I saw her in she spoke English English, and since I had never heard of her and didn’t know she was faking it, I was completely fooled. I like to think I can spot one of us pretending to be one of you. I was very confused when I saw her in something else later and heard her speaking American English. Didn’t know which end was up, the sudden.

        I like Mr. Van Dyke too, and I would bet Cockney is one of the harder accents to mimic. But yeah, when even we can tell he’s not getting it, that hurts.

        Cary Elwes is another one who pretty much nails American English. Charlie Hunnam fooled me too. You guys are pretty good at doing us. We need to step up our game. I hesitate to ask about Brad Pitt’s accent in that Guy Ritchie movie, Snatch, where he played the Pikey character. I thought it was entertaining, but I’d never heard of a Pikey before, much less heard one speak. (I hope it’s okay to say “Pikey.”)

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      • Oh, Ms Paltrow is pretty damn good – she gets the vowels sounds right but she over pronounces just a tiny bit, which is fine when doing ‘posh’ for Emma, but sounds too precise for modern roles. We’re lazy speakers, most of us.
        Cockney is incredibly difficult NOT to sound like a caricature, even for most Brits. Very hard. And I actually thought Brad Pitt did okay, but then he was attempting a but of an Irish twang I think – so maybe he sounds awful to an Irishman!
        I believe Idris Elba was good in the Wire too, that many Americans had no idea he’s a Londoner.
        Maybe it’s just that your casting people won’t take on Brits who can’t do a great American accent – maybe they’re more particularly and know their audience will notice. And for some of the American actors – I’m guessing there are times getting the big name attached to a project is more important than the accent 🙂
        ‘Pikey’ is not a polite word, no. Old Guy Richie was being a bit rude there. If you used that word near a traveller community, you wouldn’t make it out in one piece 🙂

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  3. You speak my language, Mr. Locus. Me sa thinks Jar Jar Abrams did a fine job. My question for you is: Aren’t Jedi’s suppose to be celibate, monk-like warriors? If so and we find out Luke was playing hookie with wookie, should his Jedi status be revoked?

    btw, Daisy was so awesome. She was strong enough to wipe out my memory of…. of…. what’s her name? Notalent Portant?

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    • Well I believe the thing about Jedi is not that they have to be celibate, but that they cannot have “attachments” to others. That’s what I read that Lucas said, anyway. Which would seem to say they can make wookie nookie so long as they don’t spend the night, or even have children so long as they drop them off at a “safe place.” As far as his Jedi status being revoked, it looks like at this point he’d have to revoke it himself since there’s no one else to do it.

      I don’t know what happened to Natalie. Have you seen The Professional? She was awesome in that and she was only 13 or so at the time. But I can look at her all day. Even with her head shaved. In fact, having no hair to get in the way just makes her beauty more pronounced. But Daisy would kick her ass in a heartbeat. And she’s not exactly hard on the eyes herself.

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      • Love ’em and leave ’em…. Hmmm… No wonder why men wish to be Jedi’s. I just want the mind trick thingy. I would find that very useful. I’d abuse that power profusely though.

        Yeah, I was being a bit harsh on poor Natalie. I read it was all Lucas’ fault, forcing her to act emotionless and stoic. But it was hard to look at, and seeing how I’m a straight gal, being easy on the eyes didn’t do it for me. It made me angry. I thought it made Anakin angry, too. That’s all he was in those movies. It’s the real reason he turned to the dark side, you know.

        Now Rey is the full package. The only time I didn’t want to be her in the movie was when she had to eat that terrible instal-green food.

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      • The mind trick thingy would be great to have. I would also like the reach-for-something-faraway-and-make-it-come-to-you thingy. The force-choke would be handy in case of home invasion, but otherwise I don’t think I’d use it none too much.

        Makes sense that poor Natalie was that way because Lucas told her to be that way. That’s the biggest problem with the prequels. Seems that at no point did any one ever say to George, “George, I don’t think this is a good idea.” Or “George, I don’t think this movie we’re making is going to be very good.”

        Rey is indeed the whole package. She was very intense, and had boku Force. I didn’t want to be her, but my wife did. I knew she would. She loves tough, independent, ass-kicking women. When I was growing up, I wanted to be Luke. Then I got a little older and realized Luke was a whiny little thing, and didn’t have much gravitas even after becoming Jedi-ish. Han Solo, he was the guy to be.

        Liked by 1 person

      • Skellig means ‘rock of the sea’ in Gaelic and Skellig Michael is an island near a small fishing village in County Kerry. There used to be a monastery on it.
        I have been advised that Brad Pitts accent is ‘spot on’ in Snatch (one of my all time favourite movies)

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      • It sounds very Lord of the Rings-ish to me. Thanks for filling us in. While I’m glad to hear Pitt pulled it off, I’m a bit surprised too. I’m a big fan of his, but he’s not the type who can lose himself in a role, if you know what I mean.

        Liked by 1 person

      • Hahaha I believe he was given voice lessons. Skellig is the name of a piece of music in Lord of the Rings by a Canadian folk singer called Loreena McKennitt. I’ll shut up now :0)

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  4. I particularly like the way you constructed in blog form what is basically a movie/movie concept review. As another writer who often frequents your universe, I am impressed, yet entertained. And I don’t even like Star Wars.

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    • Thanks, Mike. I’ve said in other posts that I don’t think traditional reviews are something I do well, and there are plenty of others out there who do, so I try to approach it from other angles. These questions really were put to me by a friend, and he said he wouldn’t mind me using them for the blog.

      Gads! “Don’t even like Star Wars?” How is that possible?!?!!

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  5. Mr. Walter, you bear a striking resemblance to one Robert Downey Jr. as Sherlock Holmes. I’ve concluded that you are indeed the famous sleuth in poor disguise! Do you think you can uncover who’s responsible for grooming Chewbacca’s fur? Can the Wookie still afford his services now that (SPOILER ALERT!) Han is gone and if not, can he come work for me?
    By the way, here’s my own take on the movie:
    https://citse.wordpress.com/2016/01/08/how-the-force-reawakened/

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    • Some say Downey, some say Chekhov, both I take as compliments. I want to know why after seven movies, no one has found a way to blend his head hair with his body hair so it doesn’t look quite so much like he’s wearing a costume when his head moves. I do wonder about the grooming. He never brushes or licks himself. I bet he stinks. I will check out your post.

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  6. Haha. Jar Jar. That’s good. Now, here’s the thing: I loved the prequels, but didn’t like the older ones… You won’t believe how much trouble this gets me into with Star Wars fans. Still, that might make the new one even more bearable for me, then? As long as the Sith is cool and kills everyone, I’ll like it, I think. So, are there two Sith?

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  7. My boss walks and talks like Jar Jar- can tongue up food the length of a football field. Have not seen it yet, but part was filmed at Greenham, in England where I dwelt long hither. Think it shows the old silos, and bushes where we peed, great post thanks, Walt.

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    • I might think about finding a new job if I were you. Or maybe cutting off his tongue as it goes whizzing by. I would like to be able to say I peed where a Star Wars movie was made. Maybe one day they’ll film one here in Texas.

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