Ode to Monster Cereal

O, Monster Cereal!

bowl of cereal

Dan Pashman: npr.org

Your bad-for-you goodness brings such pleasure!

With your crunchy sugar crunchies and over-dyed marshmallow-like objects, how decadent you are!

Count Chocula – count me as your friend! You are superior to all Counts, even that one on Sesame Street.

Frankenberry – my Faithful Morning Companion. You are like the goofy, fun uncle who visits each morning and moans with inarticulate happiness as your gift is devoured, spoon by milk-dripping spoon. With insufficient mental capacity, you beat your fist on the table and bounce in your chair and guffaw with joy as I consume your unnaturally red space-age polymers.  

Lance and his Fruit Brute, as interpreted by the great Eric Stoltz.

Lance and his Fruit Brute, as interpreted by the great Eric Stoltz.

Booberry – a marginally acceptable substitute for these others, but beloved all the same.

Fruit Brute and Yummy Mummy – would that I had known you in my youth! Were you not available in Southwestern markets? You are the Zeppo and Gummo Marx of Monster Cereal. Fruit Brute, you owe a great debt to Lance in Pulp Fiction.

O, Monster Cereal, you false kick-starter of days, you! Thanks to you, I could not stay awake in class. I buried my droopy eyes in the crook of my jean-jacketed arm and slipped into a coma, brain and body collapsing from a lack of true sustenance. Without you, I would have been forced to listen to algebra lectures. These would have had a similar effect, but without your breakfasty fun.

MonsterCereal BG


Le monstre de céréales, you put the monster in me. How I miss you!

Dinosaur Dracula does too.


14 thoughts on “Ode to Monster Cereal

  1. We don’t have Monster Cereal in the Uk, so I’ve missed out on this one.
    But we did eat Frosties when I was a kid, which is a third sugar, so a good high-and-crash subsitute, though with only Tony the Tiger and no comedy horror overtones – give me humorous vampires any day over ‘Grrrreat!’ stripey cats.


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