A review of Sharknado that is so bad I didn’t post it (until now).

Ian Zeiring, ass kicker of sharks

So, awhile back I watched Sharknado! and wanted to write about it because it was so ristupulous. That’s a word I just made up and don’t intend to define. But I started writing before I knew how I would go about attacking this ristupulous movie. Usually that’s not a problem, just work. That is, I can usually figure out how my attack is failing and adjust it. I can edit my way out of the mess and emerge with something halfway decent, if not mostly decent.

Not so with my Sharknado! post.

What follows is the best I could do. It might be as bad as the movie. I will interrupt when it breaks down. Not when it threatens to break down, mind you, because that would be too soon. I’ll interrupt when it really just falls apart. Let us begin with the fourth (fifth?) title I came up with:

Sharknado! Or how Ian Ziering learns to kick shark ass!

Don’t be thrown off by the first scene. In the first scene, according to the subtitles, money changes hands on a boat that is “twenty miles off the coast of Mexico.” A gun fight ensues, and…um…sharks begin to fly through the air. If these things are connected, it’s because they are all meant to fool you into thinking this movie is about something other than how Ian Ziering learns to kick shark ass. Don’t be fooled.

Sharkxample 1:

When Ian Ziering stands in the ocean with water up to his bare nipples and sees sharks attacking people and shouts Sharks! Get out of the water! you will start to think this is a bad movie. But Ian Ziering standing there doing nothing is merely the beginning of his character arc. The fact that Ian Ziering himself neither heeds his own advice nor does anything to help others is by no means stupid filmmaking. It is merely establishing his character as one who can’t yet kick shark ass. You may think it makes no sense as he continues to shout Sharks! Get out of the water! time and time again whenever the action cuts back to him, but this is Ian Ziering embarking on a path towards being a leader of men in kicking shark ass.

Factnado!  Sharks are neither confused nor frightened by monster storms that lift them from their natural habitat and hurl them through the air. Nor are they killed by them. Even though sharks must constantly swim forward in water in order to acquire the oxygen they need to survive, sharks are merely enraged by such monster storms.

Another Factnado! Sharks express rage by flying (using their fins as wings, apparently) right at humans, and eating them.

If Ian Ziering is concerned about people being in danger, you can be sure that they are NOT in danger. Not until Ian Ziering arrives, that is. At the moment Ian Ziering arrives, horrible things not foreseen by anyone except Ian Ziering, and not logically about to happen – even pretty much impossible to happen – will begin to happen. Again, do not mistake this for bad film-making. Such obstacles are necessary so that Ian Ziering can character-arc his way to being an ass-kicker of sharks.

Sharkxample 2

Ian Ziering drives on dry roads to a house on high ground to save his ex-wife and kids who are not yet in danger, assuming they soon will be. An avalanche of water then floods the living room, bringing with it an absurd number of sharks. The sharks are not thinking “what the fuck, how’d I get in this house?” They are thinking, “Aha, humans! Let’s eat them!” because, if you remember, they are enraged by being lifted from their habitat and plopped into a well-appointed living room. (Sidenote: sharks eat violently). But no worries! Ian Ziering will slaughter the sharks, rush everyone to the car, and drive away on roads that are still dry, because the house was on high ground, and the water came out of nowhere, and no one was ever in danger before he arrived anyway.

By now my post is out of control. It was out of control before the editing (yes, I’ve actually re-read this and tried to make something of it), and it remains out of control even now. The only sense I could bring to it hinged on how Ian Ziering goes from sissy-pants to kicker of shark ass. And I couldn’t even do that. I can’t seem to decide what I’m writing about. Am I writing about how Ian Ziering learns to kick shark ass? Or am I writing about how stupid this movie is after I said I wasn’t?

That’s what I’m doing, I think. I’m writing about how stupid this movie is. And I’m being overly-clever with the whole Ian Ziering learning to kick shark ass angle.

Want more?

No, you don’t. You may think you do, but I’m the one who proof-read the post, and it was awful. We’re done.

If you want to watch a stupid movie you can make fun of from beginning to end and then watch again and find even more to make fun of, watch Sharknado!