A review of Sharknado that is so bad I didn’t post it (until now).

Ian Zeiring, ass kicker of sharks

So, awhile back I watched Sharknado! and wanted to write about it because it was so ristupulous. That’s a word I just made up and don’t intend to define. But I started writing before I knew how I would go about attacking this ristupulous movie. Usually that’s not a problem, just work. That is, I can usually figure out how my attack is failing and adjust it. I can edit my way out of the mess and emerge with something halfway decent, if not mostly decent.

Not so with my Sharknado! post.

What follows is the best I could do. It might be as bad as the movie. I will interrupt when it breaks down. Not when it threatens to break down, mind you, because that would be too soon. I’ll interrupt when it really just falls apart. Let us begin with the fourth (fifth?) title I came up with:

Sharknado! Or how Ian Ziering learns to kick shark ass!

Don’t be thrown off by the first scene. In the first scene, according to the subtitles, money changes hands on a boat that is “twenty miles off the coast of Mexico.” A gun fight ensues, and…um…sharks begin to fly through the air. If these things are connected, it’s because they are all meant to fool you into thinking this movie is about something other than how Ian Ziering learns to kick shark ass. Don’t be fooled.

Sharkxample 1:

When Ian Ziering stands in the ocean with water up to his bare nipples and sees sharks attacking people and shouts Sharks! Get out of the water! you will start to think this is a bad movie. But Ian Ziering standing there doing nothing is merely the beginning of his character arc. The fact that Ian Ziering himself neither heeds his own advice nor does anything to help others is by no means stupid filmmaking. It is merely establishing his character as one who can’t yet kick shark ass. You may think it makes no sense as he continues to shout Sharks! Get out of the water! time and time again whenever the action cuts back to him, but this is Ian Ziering embarking on a path towards being a leader of men in kicking shark ass.

Factnado!  Sharks are neither confused nor frightened by monster storms that lift them from their natural habitat and hurl them through the air. Nor are they killed by them. Even though sharks must constantly swim forward in water in order to acquire the oxygen they need to survive, sharks are merely enraged by such monster storms.

Another Factnado! Sharks express rage by flying (using their fins as wings, apparently) right at humans, and eating them.

sharknado1

If Ian Ziering is concerned about people being in danger, you can be sure that they are NOT in danger. Not until Ian Ziering arrives, that is. At the moment Ian Ziering arrives, horrible things not foreseen by anyone except Ian Ziering, and not logically about to happen – even pretty much impossible to happen – will begin to happen. Again, do not mistake this for bad film-making. Such obstacles are necessary so that Ian Ziering can character-arc his way to being an ass-kicker of sharks.

Sharkxample 2

Ian Ziering drives on dry roads to a house on high ground to save his ex-wife and kids who are not yet in danger, assuming they soon will be. An avalanche of water then floods the living room, bringing with it an absurd number of sharks. The sharks are not thinking “what the fuck, how’d I get in this house?” They are thinking, “Aha, humans! Let’s eat them!” because, if you remember, they are enraged by being lifted from their habitat and plopped into a well-appointed living room. (Sidenote: sharks eat violently). But no worries! Ian Ziering will slaughter the sharks, rush everyone to the car, and drive away on roads that are still dry, because the house was on high ground, and the water came out of nowhere, and no one was ever in danger before he arrived anyway.

By now my post is out of control. It was out of control before the editing (yes, I’ve actually re-read this and tried to make something of it), and it remains out of control even now. The only sense I could bring to it hinged on how Ian Ziering goes from sissy-pants to kicker of shark ass. And I couldn’t even do that. I can’t seem to decide what I’m writing about. Am I writing about how Ian Ziering learns to kick shark ass? Or am I writing about how stupid this movie is after I said I wasn’t?

That’s what I’m doing, I think. I’m writing about how stupid this movie is. And I’m being overly-clever with the whole Ian Ziering learning to kick shark ass angle.

Want more?

No, you don’t. You may think you do, but I’m the one who proof-read the post, and it was awful. We’re done.

If you want to watch a stupid movie you can make fun of from beginning to end and then watch again and find even more to make fun of, watch Sharknado!

62 thoughts on “A review of Sharknado that is so bad I didn’t post it (until now).

  1. Well, for what it’s worth I found humour in your post (thanks) and was reminded of one of the first posts I read by you, where I heard a different part of your voice, and really liked it – quite a while back. So not sure where you get off thinking you don’t write good reviews? I think it was for a book by an author you knew, possibly a year ago. Lost track of time with all these nonsensical sharks flying about.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Ristupulous is a super word, if nothing else the film has spawned that little beauty so that is one small thing to be thankful for. I am a ‘silver lining’ kinda girl. I won’t be watching the film, however. This excellent and highly entertaining review is probably the most enjoyment I will get out from it.

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  3. Ristupulous- great word Walt. I am sad that actors like Ian Zierling are who vacuum salesmen aspire to be, I am sure as they minge door to car. I love sharks- so gloriousy ant-social.

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      • Hahaha Flying sharks don’t worry me, they will eventually hit the ground & splat My worry is them learning to use their flippers to walk on along the edge of the beach and evolving a blow hole!!

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      • Indeed, they seem to have GPS radar brains! What they need in Sharknado 4 (for there will be one) is a very large canning factory nearby and a few large Transformer robots armed with large metal baseball bats to thwack the descending sharks into a Cannery bound trajectory – a shorter film, but additional laughs to be had :0)

        Liked by 1 person

  4. There is some kind of weird genius to films like this. They’re rubbish, they’re laughable and if Hollywood still used film stock, they’d be a waste of it, but seeing as the world is now in HD, maybe it’s not a waste and we can just delete the whole bloody thing!
    My brain melts just thinking about the concept, just taking onboard the title.
    What’s the next logical step? Orca-nami? Dolphin-cano? (That’s dolphins being blown from the crater of a volcano – obviously).
    I like your review – it kicks shark ass 🙂

    Liked by 2 people

  5. Factnado! If the leading lady wears a light colored shirt during the whole debacle, it won’t look bloody or wet hardly ever (and certainly not in back to back frames!) 😀

    Liked by 1 person

  6. *laughing* Great word, my man. Now, I’ve wondered about this film greatly, I’ll have you know, but I’ve been too scared to touch it. Even think on it for too long. He uses a chainsaw? Interesting.

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  7. I am exceptionally grateful to you for sharing this review. Not only did it make me laugh uncontrollably over my morning coffee, it prepared me for viewing Sharknado 3 (because this movie obviously deserved to be made into a series). Mark Cuban, one of my celebrity favorites, has a significant cameo in the 3rd movie (I think?) and I’ve convinced myself that I should watch it. I’m guessing that I won’t be missing anything by skipping straight to 3? Although it sounds like there were some real gems in the original.

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    • Yeah, I heard about Cubes being in something like that. You know, I haven’t seen 2 or 3. I would bet you could skip right to 3. But yes, there are some gems in 1. In fact, I think you should watch 1. I might even watch it again.

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  8. I love how you jump out of your writer-self and say what’s going on in the narrative. Never saw the movie and don’t plan on it, but I enjoyed your sharing of your writing process regarding the review. Kind of “behind-the-scenes” post which resurrects a piece of writing that you found to be unpostable. It was very clever and oh so funny! You are a treasure, sir!

    Liked by 1 person

  9. Great…so guys, how are you all doing? Is anybody interested in adventure/horror/fantasy fictions? Or you’ve got friends who do? Check this out https://literatanish.wordpress.com/ You get to read the latest fiction, written by me. It is titled “Proselytism (Knights and Swords)”. I post Episode by Episode. I would expect your visits, comments, likes and shares. Thanks.

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  10. You know i actually saw this movie once (Not watched!). It was being aired and the title just made me chuckle at first glance. And your review just justified my switching to the next channel. Its a terrible movie but probably i would probably give it a good rating for the theatrics….i mean c’mon..sharks plus a tornado and a guy not afraid of sharks or a tornado… God i would’ve loved to be in the script writing room with the producers. Would probably have died laughing. Always a good read fine Sir Walt!

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  11. And here’s me thinking it was a serious documentary about how sharks could be sucked up by high speed winds. Your ristupulous review has set me straight on that. I’ll go elsewhere for my flying shark facts.

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    • Glad I could help. It concerns me that educated-looking people such as yourself need the likes of me to steer them away from these false sharkumentaries. Such are the lies propogated by our film-makers, though.

      Liked by 1 person

  12. I think its a magnificent review! It almost makes me want to invest a couple of hours in witnessing this landmark in the career of Ian Ziering, who, his filmography reveals, then went on to even greater heights with ‘Sharknado 2’ and his supreme triumph – ‘Sharknado 3’. I can only assume that when your props room is full of sharks with aeronautical capability you have to extract from them the best use you can. I notice he appears to have peaked at ‘3’; since which he has only appeared once in a TV episode and done ‘Celebrity Apprentice’. First intimation of a possible career change?

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    • Why, thank you, Frederick! You certainly should give it a whirl. It’s a type of movie that a friend of mine once called “craptastic.” Yes, all moments in the life of Ian Zeiring have led to this, the Sharknado series. It’s his reason for being. But what next for him? Can he ever again achieve such heights? We must wait and see.

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  13. The utter crapiness of the movie is what makes it probably so utterly entertaining. Rather brilliant in that regard. You’re compelled to watch because of all the fuss made about how bad it is.

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  14. I watched maybe 10 minutes of this movie before I could stand it no longer. Your review certainly captures the pointlessness of the entire thing. I wonder what you would write about a much worse movie. Think it doesn’t exist? Just look for “Mega Shark vs. Crocosaurus”. Thank me (or not) later.
    🙂

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    • Just the title of Mega Shark vs Crocosaurus makes me laugh. I may have to watch it. I know of course that Sharknado is supposed to be ridiculous, but I do wonder just how much of it is intentional. If the whole “sharks gets out of the water” business is intentional, it might just be the work of a genius.

      Liked by 1 person

  15. Pingback: A review of Grand Budapest Hotel that is so bad I didn’t post it (until now) | waltbox

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