Behold! My Super Powers (Part II)

Wherein the writer concludes his Super Power Dualogy with a bemoaning of the power of Dog-Squeezing and a sincere request for liberation.

Imagine a beach. Imagine it from overhead — you’re looking down on a beach. Now, put me on your beach. In your mind, color my field of vision red. This area of red representing my field of vision is the Squeeze Zone. Any dog entering this zone will instantly poop.

More simply:

1) I see dog. 2) Dog goes potty.

There are no exceptions.

During my first few days in Poland, it didn’t occur to me that a supernatural power was at work here, much less that it flowed from my eyeballs. I mean, nature demands that its creatures poop from time to time, and since dogs don’t have a problem pooping whenever and wherever they want, I’m bound to witness them poop now and again. But after a week or so, I began to realize that I was witnessing nature’s call on canines with hypernormal regularity. As I’ve said, it seemed to work this way:

1) When I see dog, 2) Dog goes potty.

It didn’t seem to matter where I was or who I was with. Neither the weather nor the time of day seemed to play a part. Only one thing seemed to matter: I must see dog. (Dog would then go potty.)

At first, it was funny. The kind of funny that makes you shake your head and think, “is this some kind of joke?” For a while, it was even a kind of cynical game, in my mind. Oh, there’s another dog. He’s sniffing. He’s thinking about it. Is he gonna do it? Surely he will. No? Is he going to break the cycle? Ah, wait…he’s assuming The Crouch. We have a pooper.

This has been going on for ten months, though. It’s not funny anymore. Every dog I see poops. If I’m in the park or on the street and a dog enters the Zone, the dog will poop. If I’m looking out the window of a bus and a dog enters the Zone, the dog will poop. If I’m eating my cereal on my balcony in the morning and a dog enters the Zone, the dog will poop.

Can you imagine watching dog after dog, day after day, squatting and pooping? Do you have any idea how many different hunched backs and quivering bottoms I’ve seen issuing new lengths of poop into my world? Can you fathom how revolting it is to live in such a world as mine?

Maybe you don’t believe me. You wouldn’t be the first. My step-father visited me in January and witnessed my power with his own eyes, yet even he does not believe. He laughed and said, “it’s winter, this is what dogs come outside to do.” In response, I must say that I’ve been here for four seasons. Three of them have not been winter, and yet every dog I’ve seen has pooped. In June, my mother visited me. She, too, witnessed my power, and she found it most amusing, although I’m not sure she really believed in her heart that it was my power making the dogs poop. But because she could see how unhappy I was, she endeavored to help. She said she would break the cycle. I don’t understand what she did or how she did it, but during the second half of her visit (after she decided to break the cycle) I was granted a brief respite. When she left, however, it was as if some sort of dam had broken. I kid you not, I suffered a most revolting bombardment of poop.

At one point, I decided to document this phenomenon in photographs. It wasn’t too difficult to capture my power on film. It was difficult, however, to capture it well. Dogs, unlike churches, are small and mobile. Thus, my Dog- Squeezing photos are about the same quality as a blurry picture of Bigfoot.

I didn’t have Dog-Squeezing before I came to Poland. I hope it’s not some kind of disease I’ve caught. I pray that, when I come home, things will revert to normal. If not, I don’t know how I can go on. No man deserves to suffer like this. Is there some kind of support group for me?

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25 thoughts on “Behold! My Super Powers (Part II)

  1. Maybe if you can’t escape your power (unless your mum visits, of course) there’s some practical use you can put it to?

    With great power comes great responsibility. So, I’m thinking – and bear with me – you could be the dog mess equivalent of the Horse Whisperer.

    There must be countless canines suffering constipation the length and breadth of Poland. You could offer your services (for a small consideration, of course) for the relief of said symptoms. You would be mysterious, a phenomenon that sweeps the continent (and the not-so-continent once you’re done with them).
    ‘How does he do it?’ they’ll whisper behind cupped hands (partly because they’re whispering and you have to hide behind your hand when you whisper but mainly to ward off the smell). ‘I don’t know,’ the learned men will reply, ‘but he does.’
    You’ll have statues raised in your honour (I’ll leave you to develop the design), public holidays where people stand around parks watching their dogs mess or not mess – they could paint targets on the ground and have some kind of scoring system.
    You’re thinking this all wrong – this power’s a blessing not a curse. ๐Ÿ™‚

    Liked by 1 person

    • Well, you’ve made me realize I have the power to spread incontinence across the continent, that’s for sure. And that certainly is a power that demands responsibility. Could the statues have quivering bottoms, do you think? The targets could be a great source of fun. That could be quite the carnival trick. And you’re right too about the dual nature of the cupped hands. Thanks for the funny, philosophical comment!

      Liked by 1 person

      • Quivering bottoms is a must, of course – and perhaps a scratch-and-sniff option? Thanks for such an entertaining thread. Any more super powers you’re hiding?

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      • Do you know, I do and it chimes with your own.
        I have the official title of ‘The Poo Monitor’, for I have an unerring ability to spot dog mess on pavements from fifty yards or more. With a confident and resounding call of ‘Poo!’ the shoes of the family are saved a scraping.
        Maybe we could work in tandem – once your ‘patients’ are cured, I could be a sort of ‘Poo Cryer’ warning the townsfolk of the ensuing manure’s noxious presence. ๐Ÿ™‚

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      • Our powers would definitely compliment each other. Maybe we could even make some money off of this. Someone would eventually have to remove the offensive matter, though. It would start to accumulate, you see, and the townsfolk might eventually expect something more than a heads up. We’d need a third partner with the power of obliteration, or some such.

        Liked by 1 person

      • There’s also billboards, sandwich boards, and those guys who stand on street corners twirling signs. But those guys sometimes want to show off their twirling more than they want people to read their signs, don’t they? Maybe Craigslist?

        Liked by 1 person

  2. Sometimes we do not choose our superpower, unfortunate as it may be. In this case, it is extremely unfortunate, as I’m sure you would have chosen flying, x-ray vision, mind control, or something remotely cooler than dog ex-laxer. But it could be slightly worse…say, birds performing this feat overhead? Bright side — you can safely hold your head high!

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    • You’re right, it could be worse, and at least it is safe to look up! And both of these powers chose me, as opposed to the other way around. I would have chosen something much handier, or cooler. But I probably shouldn’t complain, seeing as how most people don’t have super powers at all. What about you? Do you have one?

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      • I wish I had the power of mind control on my kids. Imagine that! Picking up their rooms, doing their homework… No more battles! I’d have to limit powers to my kids, otherwise I fear I might rule the world. Too much responsibility there.

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  3. I feel some sort of distraction might be in order: perhaps a simple recording of cat noises, or something more sophisticated like beautiful Borzoi pictures pinned to trees and lamp-posts. No self-respecting dog would pooh if it suspected an elegant potential mate was watching.

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    • Good suggestion, Frederick. Confusing and/or deceiving the enemy is a sound strategy. Although I’m not sure how much choice they have in the matter. It can’t hurt to try, though.

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  4. This is hilarious. I shall call you the next time my old dog is constipated.

    Additional note: I actually wrote that before reading Lynn’s response. I like her idea of turning this to profit.

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  5. You could blank out the squeeze zone by wearing a blindfold Walt, but then again….you would probably step in it all the time. So what would be worse, seeing it and being able to avoid it (apart from the fragrance) or not seeing it and getting the 3 inch slide as you step into a fresh pile ? Whatever you decide mon ami, your writing strikes a chord with me…I’ll let you know if I develop any more super powers over and above my being able to repel busses.

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    • Well, I think the problem is not so much my seeing it or not seeing it, but my super power itself. What I mean is, I could wear a blindfold, but that would defeat my super power. I wouldn’t be stepping in it, because my super power wouldn’t be mining the field, so to speak. Is that a Picard you are wearing?

      Liked by 1 person

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