Wherein the writer asserts that he has Super Powers (and then proceeds to tell you about them).
Seriously, I do have Super Powers. And I believe that mine, like those of Superman, exist by virtue of my being in a foreign land. At home in Texas, I was just an ordinary guy. Not until I arrived in Poland did I discover that I could Bus Summon and Dog Squeeze. The former power can be pretty cool. The latter is a curse.
My Bus Summoning works exactly like Gandalf’s power to summon the steed Shadowfax. When Gandalf requires transportation, he simply calls for Shadowfax, and Shadowfax arrives within moments. This is because Shadowfax is magical, and has sensed Gandalf’s need ahead of time. Shadowfax begins traveling towards Gandalf early enough that he arrives mere moments after Gandalf realizes his need. In Poland, when I need transportation, I simply walk to the bus stop, and the bus arrives within moments. Common folk have to wait five, ten, sometimes fifteen or even twenty minutes. Not I. For in Poland, Gandalf I am, and the bus my Shadowfax.
It’s quite a pleasure never having to wait more than a few seconds before my ride rolls up and opens its doors for me. Sometimes I’m able to leave my apartment, walk to the stop, and step directly onto a bus without breaking my stride. Indeed, I often get the impression that the bus, if it could, would kneel down in order to allow me an easy climb onto its back. It’s really a marvellous power, this Bus Summoning of mine. There is, however, one small problem.
I don’t always get on the right bus.
You would think that after this had happened once, maybe twice, that I would learn to be more cautious in using my Bus Summoning. No. I can’t seem to use it any way but recklessly. Time and again I’m on the bus. I’m happy. I’m on time. I’m checking out the people on the bus. That guy has cool shoes. That girl’s kind of hot. Lady, keep your kid quiet. Then I look out the window and I see things — buildings, billboards — that I have never seen before. I blink. I furrow my brow. I think to myself what the –, and before I can even finish the thought, I think, oh no.
I scan the inside of the bus for its number. I don’t know why I do this, because having to do it is itself confirmation that something is wrong. But I do it, and when I’ve confirmed that the number of the bus I’m on is one of the dozens that I didn’t want it to be, the same thoughts always blast through my brain: Not again. I’m gonna be late. Where the hell am I?”
The good news is, however, that all I have to do is simply get off the bus and board another. I won’t have to wait long. I’ve got Bus Summoning. And I will get where I need to go. It just might take awhile.
(Here ends Behold My Super Powers, Part One. Part Two will feature many references to poop and pee.)