Rangers Trade 2nd Baseman to Tigers for Nose Tackle, Lotto Payout

Hot Stove season kicked off for the Rangers this week as fan-favorite Ian Kinsler was shuffled to Detroit for under-weight defensive lineman Prince Fielder and $30 million. The 275 lb. Fielder will replace Mitch Moreland, who many feel was given every chance to succeed defensively but was even more under-weight than Fielder.

“We feel this move makes us more competitive running a 3-4 defense,” said Rangers GM Jon Daniels. “We love Mitch, but he gets knocked around out there. He just didn’t have the size for the position.”

Critics of the deal question if Fielder is the answer in a world where nose tackles push 340 pounds. Daniels is confident Prince is step in the right direction. “And what’s exciting is, he’s getting bigger.”

In Detroit, which is mostly ransacked, there wasn’t much opportunity for sustenance, say other Rangers brass. Especially for a man of Fielder’s appetite.

“Most of the groceries and warehouse stores have been looted already,” said Rangers co-owner Ray Davis. “Prince just didn’t have many options, there. That was a key selling point in our dialogue. We talked a lot about steak, ribs, mashed potatoes, gravy, barbecue, cole slaw, fried chicken, chicken fried chicken, chicken fried steak, nachos, Tex-Mex, cheesy stuff, pretty much anything with lots of cheese, the bat-size hot dogs at the Ballpark, the ubiquity of Whataburger…his access to all of these was basically non-existent in Detroit. It was exciting to watch his eyes light up as we talked.”

Other areas that are not an issue for the Rangers? Fans will still get their money’s worth on the base path. Especially at third. “We knew if we were going to deal Kinsler, we needed to find someone who could fill that gap at screwing up a slide into third,” said Daniels. We think we found that guy in Prince. Also, we got rid of David Murphy, so that’s another white guy gone for diversity and better athleticism. And we’re getting 30 million bucks. So wins all around.”

One thing Rangers fans might be missing is Kinsler’s socks. “Yeah,” laughed Daniels, “I can’t see Prince with the 1920s pants. That’s gay.”