Smackdown! Fonts, Beards, Former Rangers Will Decide 2013 World Series (A Retroactively Retitled Smackdown!)

word series

With Game One of the Fall Classic underway (currently scoreless in the bottom of the first), it’s a good time to break down the strengths and weaknesses of each team and find out just who is destined to win this year’s World Series.

Front of Jersey

The match-up here is Boston’s font versus Saint Louis’ cardinals on a bat. History should be respected, and therefore the cardinals on the bat should be respected. But that doesn’t mean anyone has to like them. Classic? Yes. Historic? Yes. Dumb? Yes. Advantage: Red Sox.

Back of Jersey

The Red Sox go number-only on their home jerseys, while the Cardinals are number-plus-name. Number-only is quite classy. A number plus a name is kind of overkill, really. Real fans probably don’t need either, and true team-players shouldn’t want either. Advantage: Red Sox.

Logo

The Red Sox B versus the Cardinals’ StL. This is a tough one. The B has historic value, but it looks dated. And a B really shouldn’t have horns. The t in StL is technically correct but visually cluttered. The S and L interlock a bit too much, adding to the clutter. In the end, Boston’s B complements the Red Sox font on the jersey, whereas the Cardinals’ jersey features birds on a bat. Advantage: Red Sox.

Facial Hair

Several Red Sox players are working towards Duck Dynasty beards. There’s something humorous and self-effacing about guys who’re willing to go Duck Dynasty. The Cards have several guys with short-cropped beards. These are dubious, and somewhat sleazy. Advantage: Red Sox.

Ballparks

Boston has Fenway. Advantage: Red Sox.

Manager

Women seem to find Mike Matheny incredibly attractive. Women don’t seem to know who manages the Red Sox. Advantage: Cardinals.

Song

The nation knows Boston does Sweet Caroline. No one seems to know what they play in Saint Louis. Advantage: Red Sox.

Former Texas Rangers

Boston has three big ones – Napoli, Saltalamacchia, and Uehara. Saint Louis has none. And because Rangers tend to collapse in the playoffs – Advantage: Cardinals.

So there you have it. The Red Sox have a distinct edge, with 6 of 8 match-ups falling their way on paper. And after three innings played in Game One, Wainwright is approaching 70 pitches, the Cards have committed two errors, and Boston is ahead 5-0. The evidence indicates this analysis is pretty much right on. Boston is destined to win this one.

That said, I’m kind of pulling for the Cards.

What has it got in its pocketses?

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